Like The Mother He Never Had
by scribblingblackquill
Summary: Mrs Hughes feelings about Thomas and her gaining some understanding to why he is the way he is. Eventual conversation from the 3x08 episode where Thomas reveals his secret to Mrs Hughes which she perhaps already had an idea about, she also gains insight into his life past and present. Set Pre-War, During War and Post War. Review please.
1. Pre War

In 1910 Thomas Barrow began working at Downton, Mrs Hughes was instantly intrigued by the young man's astounding charisma and the confidence he emitted.

Many of the staff found Thomas incredibly cocky and arrogant, Mr Carson always cynical of him even when he excelled in his work, Mrs Patmore and her snide comments about him not being the man for Daisy and even Mrs Hughes herself was unsure of the cock sure young man.

Daisy found him incredibly handsome and blushed constantly in his presence making William, the other footman extremely jealous. And why wouldn't he be, Thomas was very attractive and he knew Daisy would pick Thomas over him anytime. This annoyed Mrs Hughes, and she even thought that Thomas was bullying William, she wasn't to know that Thomas only made William feel small because that's how he was feeling inside, blighted by a dark secret that meant he couldn't be his true self in life like others had the privilege of doing.

Miss O'Brien was one of the only staff to show some kindness to Thomas, they seemed to have an understanding, yes it was mainly based on plotting and smoking together but they got on well, were as thick as thieves and always stood up for each other in all instances. It often got Thomas into trouble, Mrs Hughes and Mr Carson in particular having to scold him on a regular basis for his opinionated views, bare faced cheek and somewhat lack of respect for his superiors. Mrs Hughes secretly liked that about him, the fact that he didn't conform to the normal expectations of society, he wasn't afraid to broadcast his views and differ in opinions to the overwhelming majority of the other staff. He didn't hold the Crawley's in higher regard than the working and middle classes, he saw them as employers rather than his superiors like unlike the other staff who seemed to be fascinated by the lives of the aristocracy, Thomas was very uninterested in this and as he was fiercely proud of who he was felt no need to be in awe of the Crawley's.

Mrs Hughes didn't dislike Thomas, she just found him over confident and on occasions spiteful but she could see that he had the potential of being a good man. Over the years she could see that there were underlying hints of compassion, unlike with Miss O'Brien she could see that things affected Thomas in a way they didn't affect the cold hearted Lady's maid, for instance when the Titanic sank in 1912 Thomas seemed quite sorrowful and Mrs Hughes wondered if maybe he had lost someone on board, as far as she was aware he didn't have a sweetheart but Thomas was a private man who kept his cards close to his chest so even if he had, most people would be unaware of it. She knew very little of Thomas' background and always assumed he was maybe a little bit bitter because of a bad childhood. There were also many occasions when she was disappointed in Thomas, she could have slapped him when he showed such little empathy about Lady Grantham losing the baby, barking

"What is the matter with you Thomas?" at him.

This of course was something only Thomas knew, he was bitter because he was unsure of how to deal with sensitive situations, he knew he would never sire a string of children so didn't know the pain of losing one, maybe it was underlying jealousy or anger at living in the shadows all his life.

He in some ways redeemed himself when he signed up to be an army medic, regardless of his motives she was proud of him being the first from Downton to sign up as it showed great bravery.

It was a surprise to her when he left and she missed his presence, his smug smirk and his confident strut, she even missed her sarcasm and would often pray for God to keep him safe, she had no idea why but she cared for this boy, perhaps it was because she thought he was like the son she would never have.


	2. War At Downton

Life carried on as normal at Downton during the start of the war, people going about their day to day lives as if nothing was different when across the channel men feared for their lives. When Mrs Hughes heard that Thomas has been inured in the army, waves of worry and panic travelled through her body and for some reason she ached to know that he was ok,

"Miss O'Brien, how's Thomas coming along?"

"I didn't think you'd care"

"Well I do Miss O'Brien, it was very admirable of him to enlist"

"It was. He's in the village hospital, he was transferred yesterday, I haven't seen him yet but I suspect he is in a lot of pain, what with his hand and all"

"Of course, thank you Miss O'Brien"

Mrs Hughes took the decision to go and visit Thomas, he was probably very lonely in the hospital. She walked down that afternoon stopping at the local newsagents and bakery on the way to pick up some treats for him as she imagined it was no picnic being in that hospital.

She arrived at the hospital, it wasn't a nice sight, there were injured men in every bed, some worse than others with gas blindness and shrapnel wounds, some head injuries, others just minor injuries like broken legs or arms. She found Thomas, he was lying on his side with his eyes shut curled into a shape that resembled that of a foetus in the womb, he looked so fragile and pale almost vulnerable.

"Hello Thomas" Mrs Hughes spoke softly.

He opened his eyes and looked up at her,

"Mrs Hughes, I didn't expect to see you here, take a seat"

"Well I'm here, it's been a long time Thomas, how are you?"

"I've been better Mrs Hughes but I'm alright I suppose. What about you?"

"I'm glad your home Thomas, I really am. And as for me I'm fine, things are much the same"

"How is everyone at home, I mean Downton?" showing genuine interest in the others.

"It's ok Thomas, it was your home. There fine too, Miss O'Brien misses you but I think William is enjoying your absence, gives him a better chance with Daisy"

"He's still here then, I though he might've been called up by now"

"No strangely not and his father won't let him enlist, he's the only person he's got left"

"I wish I'd have had some one to worry about me Mrs Hughes, I wish my father was bothered about my welfare"

"I know of at least two people who worried about you Thomas" she said sincerely.

"Who?"

"Myself and Miss O'Brien, she's been lost without you, no one to plot with" she raised an eyebrow in a jokey way.

"Thank you Mrs Hughes, it means a lot"

"I brought you some treats" she said handing him the paper bag, him taking it in his good hand.

"Thank you Mrs Hughes, that's very kind"

"There's some brownies, liquorice allsorts, Turkish delight, you like those don't you? Oh and of course there's some cigarettes, I don't know why I bought them they're terrible for you health"

"Yes they're my favourites" he said smiling up at the woman that had been the closest thing to a mother he'd ever had. "As for the cigarettes, they've never done me any harm"

She smiled back at him and they chatted for about half an hour about how things were before the war,

"I hope to see you around Thomas, I know you're not coming back to Downton but I doubt they'll send you back"

"They're not sending me back, they said that my hand means I'm not fit for warfare" he said with underlying hints of relief in his voice.

"It was nice to see you again, get better soon"

"Lovely to see you too" he replied with a genuine smile.

Mrs Hughes headed back to Downton, she was glad she had gone to see Thomas, the war had seemed to mature him, he appeared less full of himself, which had to be a good thing, however she was slightly concerned as to what Thomas would do now that he was not employed at Downton or serving in the army. She tried not to think on it.

Not too long after Thomas began working at the village hospital alongside Lady Sybil, nursing soldiers back to health. He and Lady Sybil had not had a lot to do with each other previously but he enjoyed working with her as she was a lot more down to earth than you would expect and they developed a close friendship, Lady Sybil knew of Thomas' preferences as he confided in her one day while they were having a break,

"Lady Edith thinks you're rather handsome Thomas" she said out of the blue.

"Oh" said Thomas almost choking on his tea, "Well there is no chance of that happening"

"Why not? Do you find Edith unattractive?"

"Well erm…Nurse Crawley, can I tell you something"

"Yes, what is it?"

"It's not just Lady Edith I find unattractive, its all women I'm afraid, I like men"

"Oh, well I never" she said in her posh tones.

"You won't tell anyone will you, Nurse Crawley"

"Absolutely not, I'm proud of you for telling me Thomas"

"Why?"

"Because most people would never tell anyone, so you obviously trust me enough to keep a secret"

"I do Nurse Crawley, you're a one of the closest things to a friend I've ever had"

"That means a lot Corporal"

"Call me Thomas, Nurse Crawley do my preferences not bother you?"

"Well you must call me Sybil then otherwise it's unfair and of course they don't, you're different so what, everyone is different in one way or another. I'm different from most other women of my class because I work, that doesn't make me a bad person and you're not either, never forget that Thomas" she said squeezing his hand in comfort.

"Thank you for understanding Sybil"

"Anytime Thomas" she said kindly, smiling at her friend.

Thomas was amazed at how accepting Lady Sybil was of his sexual orientation, she one some occasions joked around with him about it,

"Corporal, did I just see you flirting with a patient" she teased.

He would just laugh and she was usually right, he probably was flirting anyway, any port in the storm after all.

However not long into him working at the hospital, he met Lieutenant Edward Courtney, a soldier who was suffering form gas blindness. Thomas found him very agreeable to look at as there was no denying he was beautiful, Thomas didn't even find his scarred blinded eyes unattractive as he was on the whole a very handsome young man but Thomas also was drawn to him because of his personality. For the time that he looked after Edward it was always the highlight if his day,

It was the first time Thomas had shown true compassion to anyone and he enjoyed the feeling of having someone to truly care about. Edward seemed to enjoy his company often encouraging Thomas to stay longer than necessary to talk, he told Thomas about his life before the war and seemed very downbeat about his life, Thomas could see he was depressed and was worried about this. Thomas told Edward he was different, he didn't say how but he suspected Edward had an idea of this as he placed his hand on Thomas' knee, Thomas covered Edward's hand with his and was almost certain that a a spark of chemistry was present. He just wanted to hold onto Edward's hand forever, he had began to fall for him and wasn't sure how to stop it. Lady Sybil caught sight of them holding hands and she smiled to herself not knowing that Thomas could be so loving, she also believed that Edward was romantically interested in Thomas, however Thomas brushed off any ideas of a mutual interest,

"How could you be attracted to someone you've never seen" he thought to himself.

Thomas was deeply annoyed when Edward was told he was to be turned out of the village hospital and moved to Farley Hall, he defended Edward stating that he believed Edward was depressed and faced the wrath of Dr Clarkson, who didn't like to be undermined. However Dr Clarkson realized he should have probably listened to Thomas, when the next morning, Edward was found dead in his bed. When Thomas saw his beautiful lifeless body lying cold in his scarlet blood that was dripping down and forming a pool on the floor he couldn't take it, his eyes welled up and he ran out of the room wishing that it was all just a bad nightmare, he collapsed onto the floor in a huddled up ball, his back against the wall, sobbing hysterically and uncontrollably, Nurse Crawley was passing on the corridor when she hear the cries, she approached Thomas and knelt down beside him, his head fell onto her shoulder, his tears dampening her uniform slightly,

"I'm so sorry Thomas" she said softly patting him on the back soothingly while he wept. Thomas felt slightly numb inside but he was also feeling hatred towards Dr Clarkson for not listening to him about Edward.

Soon enough Thomas was back where he was before the war, Downton. He was promoted to a Sergeant which seemed to push his self confidence to new highs. He was still as cheeky as ever to the other staff, making comments about Mr Carson in particular,

"Imagine Carson with no footmen, like a ring master without a pony" he showed off.

"We'll have enough of your cheek thank you Thomas" snapped Mrs Hughes. She couldn't deny she was disappointed as she thought that Thomas had turned a corner since being in the war, he seemed so low at the hospital. However one night on her way to bed she heard loud sobs coming from one of the men's bedrooms, she went along the corridor to seek out the crying man, she came to Thomas' door which was conveniently ajar and realized it was him that was crying,

"Thomas, whatever's the matter?"

"It's nothing Mrs Hughes, I'm perfectly fine" he answered.

"Any one with their sight can see that you're not"

His sobs deepened as the mention of someone with no sight sent images of Edward running through his head, him lying there cold and the way he held Thomas' hand.

"Have you lost someone? Was it a fellow soldier Thomas?"

"Yes, he was my friend when I was working at the hospital Mrs Hughes, me and Nurse Crawley, we took care of him but Dr Clarkson, he tried to send him away, so he killed himself in the night" he choked out whilst sobbing.

"Oh Thomas, I'm so sorry" she said realizing that the confidence was indeed just a front, a barrier perhaps that he had o put up to stop himself being hurt and it was only when you knew him properly that you saw a real compassionate loving soul.

Mrs Hughes held her arms out to Thomas and he nuzzled his head between her neck and shoulder, breathing in her soft musky scent and taking in the motherly warmth she radiated. She held onto his head with one hand stroking the soft jet black hair and patted his back lovingly with the other hand rubbing circles to try to calm him down, she also breathed in Thomas' scent which was a pleasant mixture of spearmint, cigarette smoke and cologne.

Not long before the end of the war William died. O f course Thomas wasn't hysterical about it but he was sorry about it and Mrs Hughes detected that perhaps he was also sorry for the way he had treated William when they were footmen together. At William and Daisy's wedding Thomas declared that he was very pleased for them but couldn't help but show off his cold hearted front to Miss O'Brien in a conversation they had just before the wedding,

"She's hardly the blushing bride" remarked O'Brien

"I don't think it's the same when you're marrying a corpse" he said with no remorse as he did so.

Mrs Hughes over heard and winced at such unsympathetic behavior, when she knew how kind the real Thomas was.

When war was over Thomas seemed deeply relieved as did everyone, but you could tell it had been difficult on him, fighting in the trenches and helping wounded soldiers when all his adult life had been pretty sheltered by working in places such as Downton where the real world wasn't really in sight.

However Thomas made the stupid decision of going into the black market, losing every penny he had when it turned out to be rubbish. To his face Mrs Hughes told him that it served him right as it was illegal but behind his back she was having words with Mr Carson about him,

"I don't see any harm in him returning to work here Mr Carson"

"Have you forgotten he is a thief?" he demanded.

"Everyone makes mistakes, the war has made him a better man Mr Carson and he's an excellent worker, you won't deny him that I hope"

"And since when were you such a big fan of Thomas?"

"I'm not, I just happen to believe that everyone deserves a second chance, especially a man who was been wounded in service of King and country"

"Alright then, but he will have to prove himself first as he has made such a song and dance about no longer being a servant" said Carson cynically.

Mrs Hughes smiled, happy that Thomas would be sticking around.


	3. Post War And The Chat

Unbeknown to everyone else in Downton, Thomas regularly took trips to visit into the village to visit Edward's grave. Edward had been buried in the area because his parents were ashamed of his death by suicide and didn't want anything more to do with it so the hospital had him buried locally.

Mrs Hughes was the only one aware of this, she was visiting the graveyard herself one afternoon to pay respect to William, when she saw a man that resembled Thomas kneeling next to a grave sobbing, he at one point seemed to be praying.

He left not long after and when he was out of sight, Mrs Hughes headed over to the grave where he had been. The headstone read;

In Memory of Lieutenant Edward Courtney

Injured in service of King and Country

Born January 9th 1887

Died Aged 29

She instantly knew then that it had been Thomas after all. She remembered the night during war time when she came across him sobbing his heart out in his room and him then telling her about a patient named Edward who had become his friend dying.

She felt very warm inside thinking that Thomas cared so deeply for someone that 2 years after their death he still visited their grave and still cried thinking about them. She then realised in her own mind that Thomas had probably seen him as a lot more than just a friend.

"What were you praying for Thomas?"

"When was I praying Mrs Hughes?"

"At the graveyard this afternoon"

"Ah yes, happiness I suppose"

Mrs Hughes smiled at Thomas even though his comment saddened her a little, thinking about Thomas being unhappy wasn't a nice thought. He always seemed ok on the surface but underneath was a different story, a one of pain and hurt and forbidden love.

Thomas seemed to perk up a few months later when the footman Jimmy arrived. Mrs Hughes sensed it was probably something to do with the fact that Jimmy was very handsome. Mrs Hughes hoped Thomas wouldn't go making any rash decisions and end up getting his heart broken in the process. Not very long after Jimmy's arrival, Lady Sybil and Branson arrived at Downton. She requested to see Thomas when she arrived as she wanted to catch up with her old friend and colleague whom she was very fond of and for those beautiful 25 minutes alone together, they sat talking of work at the hospital and Edward. It was no surprise to Lady Sybil that Thomas still visited Edward's grave.

Her finishing words to Thomas were

"I think he liked you too, you know Thomas"

"I very much doubt that, aside from you there's never been many that have liked me Sybil and that's my own fault, I wasn't a nice man before the war, life made me bitter but I've changed now"

"I never thought you were a bad man Thomas and I'm so glad that we got to be friends"

"Thank you and me too. Well anyway Sybil, I wish you and Tom all the best with your baby, hopefully it won't be too long in arriving aye"

She held her arms out to Thomas for a hug and he hugged back enjoying the warmth of another body holding onto his and wishing so much that he and Edward could've have been together.

However much Thomas loved Edward, the new footman was certainly catching his eye and he was definitely going to take the chance to get to know him at some point.

When Lady Sybil went into labour. Mrs Hughes was surprised to see Thomas showing genuine concern for her welfare when Dr Clarkson diagnosed pre- eclampsia. She was also touched when he broke down in tears when she died, she had never known that they'd been so close.

Mrs Hughes could see Thomas' obvious liking for Jimmy so much so that it hurt her to see him being so reckless in his actions, touching him in a lingering manner in front of others, suggestive comments and defending his every action. She saw that Thomas had fallen for Jimmy and was powerless to stop it. She disliked Jimmy as he led Thomas on and described Jimmy as "a vain and silly flirt". She didn't expect Jimmy to fall at Thomas' feet but the least he could've done was for want of a better word be straight with him as he was giving Thomas mixed messages which was unfair as he was already a grieving man he didn't need to be romantically hurt as well. The loss of Lady Sybil had had a huge impact on Thomas, it certainly made him kinder and not just to Jimmy. He still was no saint of course but in Mrs Hughes eyes we was very near close.

When the nighttime kiss or the "Incident" occurred between Thomas and Jimmy, Mrs Hughes was the first to defend Thomas' case to Mr Carson, mostly putting the sole blame on Jimmy for his flirtatious behavior. Mr Carson in fairness did his best for Thomas, but it was either no reference or prison.

When Mrs Hughes found Thomas crying outside in the pouring rain, huddled up like a frightened child, he looked every inch a broken man,

"Mr Barrow, what in heaven's name are you doing out here" she said.

Thomas got to his feet still sobbing.

"I know you're leaving but things can't be as black as all that. You're trained now, you can apply for a position as a butler" said Mrs Hughes, in her warm Scottish tones.

"You don't know everything then?"

"Then will you tell me everything?"

"I'm afraid that… if I do Mrs Hughes that…it will shock and disgust you" he said still sobbing whilst twiddling his cap in his hands.

"Shock and disgust, my my I think I have to hear it now, come on" placing a caring arm around his back she led him back inside and then into the warm confinements of her sitting room.

"Have a seat Mr Barrow" she said softly.

Thomas sat down on one of the wooden chairs obediently,

" Would you like a drink? Tea, Coffee, Cocoa, something stronger?"

"Just a tea please Mrs Hughes" Thomas replied.

"Very well".

She made the drinks then came over to join Thomas sitting on the remaining seat.

"I think we need to talk don't we Thomas umm?

"Yeah" he whispered.

"So then why are you so upset?"

"Because I did something wrong Mrs Hughes and now everyone knows that I'm different and they all hate me for it"

"Well I don't know so will you please tell me?"

"I liked Jimmy and I thought that he liked me…I thought he was the same as me"

"Liked Jimmy?"

"Well more than liked, I fancied him, he was the first man I'd been interested in since…" he tailed off.

"Edward?" said Mrs Hughes, filling in the gap.

Thomas nodded whilst a tear ran down his face "How do you know?"

"I've seen you visiting his grave and that night during the war when I found you crying you told me your friend Edward had died but I suspected he was more than a friend"

"And you didn't mind?" he said curiously

"Of course I didn't mind, I was proud of you Thomas, so so proud"

"You were proud of me Mrs Hughes. Why?"

"Because I didn't know you were capable of loving someone so much. What was he like, Edward?"

"He was lovely Mrs Hughes, very handsome even with the scars and I liked him being reliant on me because it meant I had someone to care about"

"And you got attached?"

"Yes, for ages after he died most days I would miss him so much it hurt" he said while tears continued streaming down his structured cheeks.

"Of course you did, you loved him and there's no shame in that"

"Well things got better when Jimmy…James arrived, he took my mind off Edward and I wanted him to be mine, is that so wrong Mrs Hughes?"

"No, it's not wrong but I think you could do a lot better than him Thomas. He is a vain, silly, little flirt"

"Please don't speak ill of him Mrs Hughes"

"If you wish"

"I do. It was me that was in the wrong not him. I kissed him in his sleep" he said blushing in the process, embarrassed by his actions.

"My my, is it just a crush you have on James or do you like him in the way you liked Edward".

"If only it was a crush Mrs Hughes, the thing is I have slowly but surely fallen in love with Jimmy and now he hates me and I've got no job or reference because people think that men like me are freaks of nature"

"I don't Thomas, I think of you as a kind, hardworking, brave young man whose life has been no picnic. I mean come on Thomas, ease up on your self a bit, you're mother died when you were very young, you don't see your father, you served in the trenches, your hand was maimed at war, you lost your first love then you lost one of your closest friends and now your second love has lost you your job and on top of all this you have to live with a huge secret everyday of your life because its part of who you are"

"I suppose your right Mrs Hughes life hasn't been easy" he said solemnly with a hint of self pity.

"Why don't you see your father Thomas, is it because he doesn't accept that you like men?"

"Yes, he caught me kissing one of his employees when I was 15, the other boy was 18, the kiss was salty and inexperienced because the lad had been crying because his mother had just died of cancer and it was both of our first kiss but I knew instantly that it was right, that I was supposed to be with men. My dad caught us and he beat us both black and blue, I got kicked out, I remember my dad shouting,

"You're no son of mine. Men like you make me sick, you're freaks of nature. I don't ever want to see you again you filthy little queer". Anyway me and the lad, Jack was his name, we ran away together, we roughed it for a long time but he had bad lungs and the cold was no good for him and he got a really bad chest infection and then he went down with flu, I took him to the hospital but it was too late, he died before they saw to him" Thomas explained.

"Did you love him?"

"I think so, but not like Edward or Jimmy. I think I loved him but wasn't in love with him if you understand Mrs Hughes"

"I do Thomas, I'm not afraid to admit I love Mr Carson but I'm not in love with him by any means" she smiled.

"Mrs Hughes, can I just say that you're the closest thing to a mother I've ever had and I love you"

"That's very kind Thomas, I love you too" she said holding her arms out to the man that had been through so much. She held him tight as he clung onto her as if he was holding on for dear life, still quietly sobbing against her pinafore, it dawned on her that this was the real Thomas, a lonely broken man who valued himself a lot less than his worth.


End file.
